I am speechless! Ok, so I guess Im not or I wouldn't be talking on the blog. But the outspokenness of others in their attempt to receive sympothy or whatever it is I simply just don't understand. And at the stake of hurting someone? Ok, so I guess this happens everyday and maybe it happens to everyone and I am just not aware of it. But, I experience it ALL THE TIME from people surrounding me. So there comes a time you either have to take a deep look into yourself and ask yourself, are you doing something to create this? Or do I just blow that part off and call the others crazy? So I have decided to put it on paper and think it over a bit.
I am 44. I am somewhat smart, I am a caring person and I deeply care for others (maybe just a little too much). I wake up every morning and think to myself; today is a new day. What can I do today that will help others? Can I help Jim? Can I help my son? What can I teach my son today that will help him survive if I am not here tomorrow? Can I help my brother somehow? I process things ALL THE TIME in my brain. Its constantly computing things that have been taken in over the previous day even the previous years. NEVER do I get to the, what can I do today for myself? Ok so I know here inlies some issues. I exhaust myself in helping others that I break down my own body. There is no massages for me, no getting nails done or even getting my hair fixed. So, is it safe to say that I am more of an empathathic person rather than a selfish one? It is very RARE for me to ask anyone for ANYTHING at all. And when I do, I feel guilty. I haven't learned to say NO very well. I tried it, and even though it feels good sometimes there is always a price to pay with NO. I cannot stand grumbling and pouting faces by others. I absolutely have seen DEPRESSION way too much in life, not to mention in the mirror itself.
Now, I read WAY TO FAR into things. I have always been this way. Some people say that I am very DEEP. Well as opposed to being shallow in thinking, I would rather take the deep. Although sometimes it is very exhausting. If a 21 year old girl sends a letter to a 44 year old man (that she claims she adores and thinks so much of).... that states, "I f*in hate your girlfriend". And stuff like I wrote poems about you and everything and you sent me an email getting onto me and I am F*in old enough to know my on my own! (BLAH BLAH BLAH) Well, most people look at that and say..."Oh, thats an outburst! Shes probably a girl who comes from a smothering family and who has been spoiled her intire life!" True yet I read too far into it. I look at from the prespective of, what the heck? Why on earth would she put those words together in one sentence? Why does she blasphemy his love and then turn around and try to put a guilt trip on him? What would this purpose satisfy for her? Furthermore, the fact she says, she never liked me from the first time she met me makes me wonder what makes a person "not like you from first view"? I have always been told its either: fear, intimidation or jealousy/envy. I guess it could be that your forehead is large or something of that nature but most of the time it is one of those three. Fear is simply put, unknown. Seeing something the first time that you are not used to being around (ie not the norm). Intimidation is seeing someones character and bringing your selfconsious issues to the forefront. Your feeling like they can see right through you and see the things you don't feel confident about. And envy is a terrible poison. Envy is wanting what that other person has immediately and not having a clue-in yet of how to get it. Envy creates unhappiness and lack of awareness of those fortunes you already have around you.
Am I the ONLY person that sees peoples reaction to these three things? Do they have a clue how stupid they look with the OVER REACTION to these things? Listen, everybody has fear, intimidation and envy. As soon as you hear somebody say they don't, then look at them really good because that person might just be a master manipulator. They are trying to manipulate you in believing something that is not true with a master plan of covering up what would actually be a normal thing but a manipulator hates rejection of who they really are so they usually make a fake/pretend person up and become them and never end up knowing who they are until they are old and have nothing left. Whew that was a mouth full but so true.
Ok so why did I bring all this up? Well, its the only possible explanation I have for what has happened recently and what has happened periodically my entire life.
I guess I have the amazing ability to F*k some sh*t up even without trying and even without saying a word to anyone. EVEN thousands of miles away. Wow, I am the Sh*t. K enough profanity but really, this is really weird. So, I post on facebook that I would like to plan a Vegas trip. We have been talking about it for over a year now. Well, this 21 year old cousin of Jims had her birthday party there a couple weeks ago. So, she sees my post and thinks because we didn't come there to her party that I must be putting this on my facebook strictly out of spite to her. REALLY? Ok, my mind moves at a great speed to take in and process things but HER BIRTHDAY, HER NAME was not AT ALL in my brain nor any blink of a thought into it. So, lets stop for a minute here. What would that be on her part? Fear? Probably not because she slapped that sh*t on my page FAST buddy. Intimidation? You bet your shiney hiney as well as Envy. You ATTACK what your intimidated by. Envy that we are going to Vegas and its not going to be because of her birthday. And now we can dissect it and clearly see that it goes back to "all about her" and it had nothing to do with me at all. She was arguing with herself basically. So, with all of this processing; where do I go from here?
Well, this argument progresses to Jim getting involved by sending her a note saying he doesnt appreciate the public forum of her outburst. Then her mother comes on and puts a public outburst. Then Jim gets on puter again and sends her a message saying to stop and then it just gets deeper and deeper into a bunch of bullshit. Now, meanwhile, I delete these people off my facebook. I absolutely say NOTHING to them even though I WANTED to put my two cents in I did not because they are Jims family, NOT MINE. The end result you might ask? Really want to know?
Ok, here goes: The end result is I am called his ex-wife times ten and that I am one of the WORST people alive and that I ATTACKED a 21 year old on facebook and then ATTACKED her poor unstable mother. I am a DRAMA queen and mess the entire family up. Really? Without saying ANYTHING? WOW, incredible!
And here is where I hit the delete button and just pretend I NEVER met these people EVER. If you can figure out this mess, please comment back. Oh and forgot to mention my processing of this stuff....well I take it in, look at it, receive the hurt, kick it around a bit, then throw it out. I wish I could be one of those to look at it, throw it out.
Lesson here to learn: Be careful of fear, intimidation, envy and how you react to this in public view. Don't cover up your own self confident issues by hurting others around you. You might just get what you ask for and Karma tends to come back around sooner or later.
I will leave this blog with a new saying: I trust less people today than I did yesterday. I wonder what tomorrow will bring. I pray for peace and hope for happiness~ Love is all~
